Live TV Through the Eyes of a Guest (albeit an inanimate one!)

There’s a snappy post title!

So what it is like to appear as a guest on a studio show?  Well it can be the most exciting day of your life, nerve-wracking, plain disastrous or simply a non-event.  Live television in particular can be unpredictable, even when you have been briefed by the production.

Ralph ‘Dem’ Bones, skeleton to the stars, agreed to blog about his experience of being booked onto a live TV show. Here is Ralph’s (tongue-in-cheek but factually correct) story:

“So there I was all excited about appearing with Fern on Channel 4. The production booked me a car, assured me of a good time, promised me a full make-up session.  I’d hardly slept a wink the night before with excitement.  It’s been some time since my contribution to Angela and Friends, a former daytime Sky show, so I’ll admit I was a bit nervous.

But what happens when I get there?  Well, first they started spraying me with coloured paint. Turns out I am not the star of the show but simply a prop for another guest who’d broken over 100 bones in her body in an accident. Now I’m all for helping others but I do think I could have been told mine was not a pivotal role.

Naturally the production blamed my agent. Said they’d made that quite clear to her when they booked me on the show. Well, I’ve no idea who to believe any more. Surely an agent wouldn’t lie to their own client?

Richard Hammond

Richard Hammond, star of BBC’s Top Gear, they tell me is to be the star guest. Can’t see why Fern would choose him over me but that’s life in showbiz.  Still I can’t help but smile when I overhear the celebrity producer informing the team that Richard has pulled out of the show. Nothing to do with headlines about his co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson’s alleged affair spread all over the front page of The Mirror this morning, I’m sure!

No, I expect Richard – he who survived a 288 mph crash and braves dangerous tasks around the world  – found the prospect of competing with me for attention on live television too big a challenge.

From contemplating my demoted role on the show I allow myself to believe they’ll see the light and put me top of the bill.

But no.

They call in DJ Chris Moyles instead.

And if that weren’t’ bad enough I’m then told I won’t be appearing at all. They make up all sorts of excuses but seems the bosses don’t like the calibre of my bones.  Well really!  You won’t find a better set of bones this side of the Atlantic.

Where’s my agent?”

Another salutary lesson in the making of live television. Thank you , Ralph, and commiserations on your disappointment.

A disappointed TV guest goes home...


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